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Ending a Great Journey

Tue, 19 Aug 2008 22:41:59 -0500

Dear precious family and friends,

What a journey we have traveled the past months as we walked with Mom through the valley of the shadow of death and watched her enter the presence of her Lord. How can I begin to thank you for walking with us with your prayers, notes of encouragement, phone calls, and visits. We have been amazed at the grace God has poured out upon us and the peace that has enveloped us through it all.

The funerals went well. Thanks for praying. Mom had written what she wanted as far as hymns, special music, etc. . What she didn't do was put pressure on the family to participate in the services. When it came time we all decided that we wanted to be part of the service to honor her. Dad modeled it after Pr. 31 "her children arise up and call her blessed, her husband also and he praiseth her." All three of us kids took time to share about Mom, and Dad brought the message. A few days before her death Dad made a comment about the grandkids singing at the funeral. Why hadn't we thought of that earlier? At that point I didn't want to talk about a funeral with Mom, but I did want to ask what song she might like the kids to sing. Her first comment was "that would put too much pressure on them." Later she added, "it would have to be something they really know." So without getting a song choice from her I decided to go with "Jesus Loves Me." It fit the requirement of "something they really knew" and beautifully illustrated what she had taught them. She was constantly telling her grandchildren, "Grandmom loves you, but Jesus loves you more."I think the kids enjoyed being a part of the funeral as well. So, it was a family event through and through! I think she would have loved it. (Click here to visit the new album.)

Life is slowly returning to "normal;" if there is a normal after the death of a loved one. I told Patrick I feel like the world should stop, something momentous has occurred. He reminded me that was what the funeral was, a moment to stop and reflect. He was right, that was what the funeral accomplished, but it still feels like too little. I look around me and life is going on. I realize I have to jump on the conveyor belt and keep going myself, but it's not easy.

In lieu of flowers Mom asked for donations to be sent to the Baptist Children's Home (where Dad and Mom adopted Jon and me). Mom loved the Baptist Children's Home and supported them as often as she could. I learned that as of today $1,095 has been donated in her memory. Praise the Lord! Even through her death lives are being touched and some precious children will have someone to love and care for their needs.

Since Mom's death I get asked two questions quite often, "How is your Dad?" and "When will you be returning to Brazil?" I know many of you want to know these answers as well.

Dad really is doing well. We talked last evening and he shared what God is teaching him. He came home to an empty house Sunday evening after the Lexington funeral. I can't imagine how difficult that was. He said God brought Scriptures to his mind that encouraged him helping him to handle this time Biblically. He thought of David's response after the death of his baby when he said "he will not come to me, but I will go to him." Dad knows Mom isn't coming back, but one day he will be with her. Also, like David, who got up, washed, ate and went to worship the Lord after the baby died, Dad is going to go on with life. He brought up the passage in Ecclesiastes that says not to say "why were the former days better than these?" We can't spend our lives looking back. We have today to live. So, through God's Word he is finding direction on how to live in the midst of sorrow. He did say that if he spent time looking at her pictures (which are all over the house) and thinking of her he could just weep. She lived for him! From waving at different windows in the house as he went to work each morning to greeting him with a kiss and a hot meal each evening Ann Schrader gave her life to make Steve Schrader successful. Of course she is greatly missed!

As far as us returning to Brazil, we are looking at mid-September. Patrick has to make a trip to the consulate in Chicago to do some paperwork for the Brazilian government. Otherwise we are helping Dad sort through Mom's things and trying to fit in lots of visits with family and friends. We don't have plans to return to the States for at least two years so we want to spend as much time as we can with those we love here before we go.

I've actually been avoiding writing this e-mail because I feel like I'm closing a very precious chapter of life. I've missed you guys the past two weeks! For months it was so encouraging to know I could write about the struggles we were experiencing and people around the world cared and prayed. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Dad's kitchen table is covered in cards from you all demonstrating your continued care.

You have greatly blessed us. May God richly bless you!

Love,

Ann Janel

For those interested here is the site for Mom's Springfield obituary:
Click here.

Precious in the sight of the Lord . . .

Thu, 31 Jul 2008 09:36:57 -0500

. . . is the death of His saints! (Ps. 116:15)

Mom peacefully went to be with the Lord early this morning. We are so grateful she is free from pain and with Jesus!

Thank you for praying.

God bless,

Ann Janel

We will be finalizing funeral arrangements this afternoon. We will probably have a service on Monday evening here in Springfield. Then her body will be transported to Lexington, KY where we will have another funeral and the burial. Obviously, it is not over for us as the family. We do covet your prayers. Dad commented that he feels like David in II Sam 12 who fasted and prayed while his baby lay dying, but once the baby died he got up and went to the house of the Lord to worship. Dad is worshiping the Lord and praising Him for releasing her from her suffering! We all are so grateful.

Heartfelt

Thu, 31 Jul 2008 09:35:30 -0500

I can't begin to describe the emotions in our home right now. Marcus broke a flood gate with his precious tears of sorrow this morning as he said good-bye to Mom. I'm so grateful, because it put heart back into something that had become very medical for me. Being Mom's "primary caregiver" I had been looking at all of her changes medically considering the ramifications of her care and what more was needed of me. Today I'm looking again with my heart, and I don't know that it can handle much more sorrow.

Mom moaned and moaned this morning and afternoon. It was extremely difficult to hear and not have a clue what else to do to help. When I called the hospice nurse she without hesitation said, "I'm calling the doctor." They definitely don't like their patients in discomfort. Once again we upped pain meds. A nurse also came out to check on Mom and give us some ideas of how to help her. By the time she arrived Mom was basically unresponsive. Earlier in the morning she had been trying to talk (basically just grunting sounds), but we could not understand her at all (well, I did hear milkshake at one point). She also nodded at one point when Dad and Marcus asked if she could hear us. The only thing she has very clearly said today was "yes" when asked if she was in pain. Poor lady! How she has escaped extreme pain before this and yet seems to be drowning in it now is unbelievable. Finally this afternoon she settled into a deeper sleep like state. She doesn't awaken when we talk with her, but will firmly grip Dad's hand. As I sit by her bedside and weep I long for her to be able to say just once more, "It's okay, Ann Janel." Yet, at the same time I long for her to draw her last breath and be freed from her pain. What a mixed bag of emotions and thoughts I am!

Though we realize that only God knows the time of her death I have to admit I was shocked when the nurse said, "I don't think it will be longer than a week." A week?!?! We were hoping it could possibly be tonight! So, I'm trying to adjust my thinking and settle in for what possibly could be more very long, heart-breaking days and nights.

Seeking comfort I opened a hymnal this evening and came across "Does Jesus Care?" The fourth verse was extremely meaningful:

Does Jesus care when I've said "good-bye" To the dearest on earth to me,
And my sad heart aches till it nearly breaks-Is it aught to him? Does He see?
O yes, He cares: I know He cares, His heart is touched with my grief;
When the days are weary, the long nights dreary, I know my Savior cares.

What powerfully comforting thoughts for these days!

God bless,

Ann Janel

Made it Through the Day

Tue, 29 Jul 2008 16:01:02 -0500

11:40 a.m.
Please pray! Mom is not waking this morning. Her eyes will open, but she isn't with us! We aren't sure, but it does look like it is time for her to depart and be with the Lord which is far better! She is peaceful and deeply resting!

11:55 a.m.
Okay, Mom, the fighter, who wasn't responding until I sent the last e-mail just woke up and told me "I've been awake for awhile!" Then proceeded to go right back to sleep. I just wanted to clarify that she isn't totally unresponsive and maybe it isn't her time yet! Whew, I'm beginning to think this is going to be a very emotionally draining day. :)

1:08 p.m.
She's talking . . . though it is so difficult to understand. She just asked me "I'm not dead yet?" Oh my, is she ready to leave. Earlier she asked for a taste of cake. I told her I didn't have cake. She said, "from the reception." She is obviously in a totally different world, so I just told her it was all gone! A little later she asked if there were two pumpkin pies. She's killing me. I wish I could just say yes, but then she would want a piece. I told her we didn't have any and she said, "Oh, I thought someone brought two boxes." Her feet are freezing, so I'm sitting and rubbing her precious purple toes. She moans every so often and prays things like "Lord, please make this transition easy." Wow! This is beyond anything I can put into words!

11:49 p.m.
Whew, another day is coming to an end. What a day it was!

Mom woke up in the afternoon and became very restless. She was not comfortable and though I gave her everything I had she wasn't finding relief. I think she was ready to fire me and firmly let me know she needed a nurse because I wasn't able to help her anymore. Yikes! I called the hospice nurse who talked with her on the phone and decided to up her pain meds again. Finally some of the meds I gave her began to kick in and she calmed a bit. We moved her into the hospital bed in order to give her more relief as well. Otherwise I sat by her all day doing whatever I could to help. I rubbed and rubbed her cold toes, and was so glad when Bonnie came to take over that job (it's her specialty!). Basically Mom wanted things quiet today. She didn't want us to read or sing, just to be with her.

Marcus drove in this evening. I stepped out of a very quiet dark room to talk with a nurse on the phone and came back into the bedroom with every light on and all the furniture out of place. Mom had insisted that their bed be moved next to her hospital bed so she and Dad could hold hands during the night. Now logic would say to move the bed with wheels, but Mom didn't want to sleep under the ceiling fan. So, in order to accommodate her wishes we moved their antique double bed next to her. It was great Marcus was around to help. Before Mom fell asleep she told Bonnie, "Steve is going to be in paradise under those fans!" She still thinks of her man and wants to be near him! Very precious!

Mom did tell me during the day to ask people to pray. I assured her there were people praying all over the world. It struck me later that we are all praying for her to die. It sounds so strange, but it's true. She is beyond ready to go. It's difficult not to question the Lord just a bit and wonder why He is allowing her to continue in this misery. Yet, we are the clay and He is the potter! We are His to do with as He sees fit. Praise Him, He giveth more grace to endure!

We appreciate your prayers so much. Only through the Lord's strength did we make it through this day!

God bless,

Ann Janel

Strength

Mon, 28 Jul 2008 17:50:39 -0500

Since I wrote about considering a nurse things have shifted yet again. Mom is getting weaker and losing ground each day. She still wants to move from bed to bed (she has three options now) but can only do it with the help of the wheelchair. She gets very dizzy and can't sit up anymore. She will start to drift to one side. She spends most of the day drifting in and out of sleep. As Mom's health steadily declines it seems that Dad and I are getting a fresh sense of energy and joy. Truly the joy of the Lord is our Strength! We're working well as a team. He's night nurse and does an excellent job. He has everything recorded for me to look over the next morning. I take over as day nurse, but he frees me up for an hour or two here and there. And then God has richly blessed us with Bonnie who comes almost every evening and really helps with the major undertaking of the bedtime routine. By God's grace we are making it through each "long day" (as Mom refers to them now).

Patrick and I often reflect on how many similarities there are between the birth and death process. This weekend as I rearranged furniture to accommodate all the new equipment the similarity struck me yet again. I always marveled at how much paraphernalia was needed for one tiny little baby. It's the same with caring for Mom. Instead of a crib we have a hospital bed. Instead of a stroller, a wheelchair. Instead of a boppy, a wedge. A potty chair--have one of those too. Hmmm, no swing though! Anyway, it's been quite the challenge to find places to put and keep all of these things in this small house. Yet, each piece of equipment is a blessing and very helpful.

I think (from what I read and hear) most people at this stage give up on eating. Not Mom! She still thinks about food quite a bit. Most of the time she is conscious of health issues and says, "I need to eat such n' such for protein, potassium, iron, etc. . . She blows the nurses away by asking questions like "do you think this is happening because my liver is . . . " The nurses just look at her with a blank stare. I think she has a little more knowledge about her body than the average patient. Yet, she also has some funny cravings. She sent me to Long John Silvers for a fish sandwich on Friday night. She only chewed and spit the sandwich out though. I guess that way she enjoyed the flavor and didn't have to worry about throwing it up. Whatever works! Dad was at the grocery store on Saturday with a list of things she thought sounded good; pineapple (better get 2), cantaloupe, grapefruit (Ruby Red with the thin rind), organic chicken soup, and organic potatoes (because we need mashed potatoes with the meatloaf Bonnie is bringing). We know she either won't eat most of this stuff or will take just one bite. Obviously she knows exactly what she wants though, and it does help to have it around when she asks for it. Funny to us is that "Miss Organic" who didn't eat any sugar, white flour or hydrogenated oils for years also added a Cherry Coke to the list! We seriously never know what this lady is going to want. It's pretty funny!

It is so sad to see her this weak. We are amazed how much weaker she can get and still be with us. She longs to go home. The days are so long to her and she doesn't find much relief in them. Pray for her as she patiently waits to be absent from this body and present with the Lord!

God bless,

Ann Janel